Well, hasn't today been fun! I have spent a large majority of my time today picking green, scabby mould from my bedroom wall! Just how every young lady should spend their day off. I was particularly enthralled to pull back the wardrobe from the wall to find what can only be described as a thick scummy carpet of vomit-like MOULD. I was also thoroughly impressed to return to my student dwellings after a lovely christmas break spent at my parents' lovely suburban semi (how very middle-class!), to find none other than a set of newly-born twin pubic hairs on the toilet seat. Alas, these wiry lovelies we're not alone, not at all. In fact, they were accompanied by a lurid, yellow sea of urine that had kindly congealed over the past two weeks, whilst I've been away.
Today it seems, has been fraught with the general miseries of household maintenance. I spent a good two hours this morning sweeping my huge floor with a tiny dustpan and brush after the hoover backfired, spraying a joyous rain of my friend's hamsters' nuggety little shits about the vicinity. I collected the mini dungs and counted that there was exactly forty three poops to dispose of. I then proceeded to empty them into a small Topshop bag, this is my metaphorical way of shitting on capitalism. Fuck you Phillip Green! And ha! I have purposely spelt your name incorrectly you tax dodging, awkward name-spelled bastard. Although the clothes that your company makes are very very lovely, and I brought a pair of your jeans from the 'moto' range last week that I have found very satisfactory. My only gripe however, is that you could maybe make a size 10 just marginally bigger and it would a, Make me feel a whole lot better about my big fat jelly arse and b, It make loads of women with disgustingly low self esteem stop starving themselves or from sticking their colgate, extra strong bristled toothbrushes down their throats every time they eat a crumb of Ryvita, which I might add taste like complete arse and look like cat litter Ta.
Anyway, back to the small topshop carrier bag. As I attempted to empty the craps into the bag, I missed. Completely. They are now housed inside my new leather boots that I had for Christmas. I refuse to remove them until the landlord delivers us with a new vacuum, they can stay there and make a new little home for themselves
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