Someone vomited in a mug. Someone actually vomited in a mug, hid it under the table, and left it as a cute little surprise for when I opened up shop earlier today. This was not the only one of life's tribulations that stood in my path this morning. I must say, I did actually wake up in a brilliant mood this morning. No, I didn't repeat my flamboyant faeces fiasco, I woke up at seven, not six... What was there not to be happy about this morning? My boyfriend hadn't stayed over for a few nights so I went to bed comfortably, without shaving my pits or crack, I farted all night to my heart's content. I even awoke to discover an absolutely clean' not altogether dingy pair of knickers; not just one side either, both, in fact. Perfection.
As soon as I stepped outside however, out onto our fag-end bespeckled door step... what shoudlst thou findest there? I'll tell you what I fucking found! A huge choddy dog turd, all whipped up into some splendid mousse. Then what else would you expect to find within the perfectly positioned pooch poop? Yes, but of course. My boot, and yes indeed, one from the NEW pair I had had for Christmas, which i might add was only fourteen days ago. Exceptional performance.
At this point, there was only four minutes, exactly, until the bus to work would sail past my stop. This meant no time to wipe, or more suitably scrape up someone's car or even a discreet grass verge. So, I jogged, whilst doing some form of poo-befooted shuffle to the promise land (bus stop). Bad move. The jostling movement of my prance had flicked the said substance right up the back of my legs. Time HAD to be made for this occurrence. Fortunately, one of my nearby, but not too nearby neighbours has a low wall with a short, bushy hedge growing over it. The perfect place for me to take an innocent seat for a few minutes; and as quickly as I fucking could... rub as much shit on this hedge as fucking possible. Problem solved you might think? Life is not that kind.
A little not nosed girl on the bus constantly winged to her saggy mother that she could "smell poo poo" and she felt sick. Yes thankyou small child, thanyou for making it obvious that I have shit on my legs, we can all smell the shit, we are all dealing with the shit, everyone is very much aware that the shit holds presence within this vehicle. If the little kid hadn't of shut its face within five minutes of my disembarkation, I would have rubbed it in its sorry little eyes. I scowled at her as I got off the bus.
I then walked to the shop in the university complex that I work in, only ciggarettes could save me now:
"Ten malboro lights please"
"Sorry, it's students against smoking day",
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