Today has not been quite as productive as yesterday's mould defeating labours. I crawled out of bed at the appalling hour of 3pm, go to bed when it's dark, get up when it's dark- that's fine. I'm a student, it is definitely fine and acceptable. I might as well cram in as much sleep as possible before I have to get a real job and do stuff like pay bills and wash my bed sheets and use soap after I've been for a wee, not just a poo. But by then I'll be earning more than 3 buttons an hour, so I'll have the luxury of affording both wee and poo-use soap products. We currently have a posh looking green, gel handwash that I am being particularly frugal with at the moment as it is my turn to buy the next bottle. Speaking of poo; I have now completed my revenge on the pube bearing seat pisser-on-er boy next door. This took the form of a sea-food bodily bi-product. We went out for a meal last night and I purposefully gorged myself on as much sea-food as possible, knowing full well the brown and runny consequence this would bear. I could barely contain myself, in both senses of the phrase. I had mussels, prawns and salmon. The perfect combination for an anal abomination. I set my alarm for 6am, the time at which next door boy would be heading towards the bathroom for his noisy, annoying daily shower. I sneaked in clutching my personal supply of toilet paper and unleashed a force that words cannot do justice. If you could see stench it would have looked green. You could TASTE it. To develop the situation I did leave a nice bit of artwork on the back of the toilet pan, nothing Monet but still quite impressive. I also did not politely spritz the room with some generic essence of rose, arse covering spray. No, no, that would never do. I did however, turn the shower on for a few minutes, in order to allow the vomit-inducing stench to breed in the steam , allowing it to develop to its full and proper potential. I casually strolled out after doing the deed, bade him good morning and jumped back into bed feeling both emptier and more complete as a person.
The landlord came round earlier too, I found his presence awkward since the time he unwittingly sent us an obscene picture of his girlfriend with his genitals stuffed into her mouth. To make matters worse his partner has some form of twat eyes, you know like eyes that point in opposite directions. I wonder if this gives her an extra special ability to cover a greater visual difference than normal folk? I found the combination of boogle eyes and general penis in mouth action all the more disturbing. More embarrassment for him, she managed to fit the entirety of it in her mouth without any (apparent) discomfort or difficulty. We replied to notify him that he had probably sent it to the wrong recipient and also that the bathroom ceiling was still leaking and would be so kind to come and fix it, preferably without him displaying any indecent images of either himself or his crazy-eyed lover. He returned a message stating that the picture ' was not what it looked like'. I think it is EXACTLY what it looks like... If a small child was to ask what it was, then I don't think they'd believe you if you told them it was how you play the new version of chess. If they did believe it, I hope you should ban them from chess, at least until a suitable age anyway.
After he left I preceded to indulge in the brilliance of British day time TV. It is indeed true that the five episodes of Jeremy Kyle that I have watched today, have not resulted in any thing that vaguely resembles productivity, but it has made me feel around a hundred times better about myself, in the sense that I do not have children, and should I have, I would know who 'baby daddy' is. Also, that I still have all of my teeth in my head and my life is not quite as miserable as someone elses. I continued this power trip in the form of facebook. Facebook is a great tool to share memories, get in touch with old friends, stay on top of social events (if I had any of those) but its primary use for me is to stalk people that used to be thin people, who are now disgusting, horrible fat people. Just what any person needs for an instant ego boost. Behold my virtual scrutiny of your chubby little life.
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